The Onion says that the Republicans have finally found a leader to unite them

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Things have not gone well for the Republicans since the Bush years. The party is divided into two primary factions.

There are the Christian conservatives, who do not like any candidate who tries to emulate Jesus in any way. They feel that the party has drifted too far to the left and should push for public stonings for blasphemy, disrespecting your parents or working on the sabbath.

On the other side are the Tea Party conservatives. They believe that the United States needs to return to its fundamental roots, bring back debtors prisons and slavery then get back to fighting the British.

Both sides feel that the other side is far too liberal and this has caused constant infighting among Republicans. According to the Onion though, the GOP has finally found a consensus candidate.

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