The Story of the Easter Bunny and Jesus' Chocolate

Once upon a time there was a heretical pagan bunny. Despite being pagan, the bunny followed Jesus around because the bunny knew that Jesus had been secretly importing chocolate from Central and South America. The particular variety of pagan bunnies who lived in the middle east at that time didn't nibble on leaves and vegetables. They loved sweet things, especially chocolate which was very hard to find.

Jesus love of chocolate is never mentioned in the Bible because Jesus loved it so much that he kept it secret and didn't share it with his followers or the poor. When Jesus died (on the cross, for your sins and all of that) the bunny seized his chance. He stole Jesus' secret imported chocolate stash and hippity hopped away with it.

The horde of chocolate and other treats that the bunny had grabbed was so large that even after three days of eating there was still a lot left. Then word came to the bunny that Jesus was only mostly dead. Jesus had risen and was asking about his goodie bag. Quickly the bunny hid all of the chocolate in places where Jesus would not find it.

Before he ascended to heaven, Jesus cursed the bunny to walk the Earth forever. So, the bunny spends all year hopping about and looking for good things to eat but every Easter the bunny remembers that Jesus promised to return. This makes him nervous and the little pagan bunny hides all of his candy, just to be safe.

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